Introspective

7/2/08 8:04 PM

I finished one of my projects today, the baseline study so now I can begin data analysis on it tomorrow, to find out how best to adjust our study to maximize results. But all this pales in comparison to what is going on in my heart. Already I have a pattern of life after 3 days here, but there is still unrest within.

As much as I was distraught and dreading being apart from life with my loved ones, part of me was thankful for the time that I would be forced to be alone… be with God. Along the paths of my life I have chosen, so much has been accumulated. So much baggage of wrong choices, layers of doubt dragging down inward growth, not to mention the steady twenty of 20 so lbs of unwanted adipose tissue I have gather since beginning undergrad. I remember who I was went I entered in at UC Davis…. A somewhat cocky, but confident, passionate, in shape, young man breathing in the sweet aromas of life wherever the wind took me. I find myself now more cynical, more doubtful of miraculous and mystical unknowns or even just people with a hope, or a dream. I remember the excitement I had upon meeting new people. I wanted to understand mankind, engage its most dynamic creatures and learn from its wisest. I find myself now content with passiveness, and dejected with the idea of something new, something out there, and bold. I wonder if the glory of my earlier time was simply youth, or a deeper belief in something in this earth. I desire all that back… I desire the veracity of life. I desire the passion and joy I once found in God. I felt he was so near, I felt he was real in all things of life. Breath and Heartbeat, Wind and Sun, Voice and Love held the deepest beauty to both mind and soul because a God who loved me created all that was before and ahead of me. It is the only way to live life. Now I find myself more educated, but more dull… like a diamond covered with soot… longing to once again reflect back the brilliance of the sun. My belief in a God has only grown since learning about the human body and everything science, but my belief in God interacting with man has been bended greatly often to the point of near breaking at times. I did not and still do not at times see Gods hand in the great tragedies of life. In the dying deathbed of a mother, or the frail hand of starving 3 year old child…. Point being that despite my struggles I desire to be the man I once was. I am discontent with who I am as a person and I want to grow into the man I hope to become…. The last few nights have been fun, but I feel wasted simply playing cards or watching movies with my research partners. I want to spend it well.. I want to spend my time growing. How though do I shake off these clouds that follow me even to Uganda? How do I break the entrapment of something that takes no isolation in country or origin but travels with me wherever I go?

The only time I find solace from all these thoughts…. The only time I find freedom from these pressures is when I truly enter into a harmony with God. And yet what do I do when my mind questions if he is answering back, or if that communication is simply a projection of my cortex? The best memories of my life, the only ones that will test the struggles of time have some connection with God, The Christian Mission, and Fellowship with Christians…. To deviate from this by having so many questions separates me not only from myself, my God, but also my culture…. The only culture in which I have ever belonged. I find myself in a group of one, with no one really able to relate. I miss greatly Jacob Saur for we had this in common, and could converse in honesty with each other. I wish I had someone like that now… When I try and come back to Christian Culture…. I do not even get to the point of striving to improve my relationship to God because so many other things come in the way now. I am told I am a hethen and going to hell if I believe in evolution. I am told I have to be pro- “life” and anti “gay marriage”… even though I believe in women’s rights and more mercy then justice….

Anyway… I digress, but all I am trying to emesis is that Christian subculture does not give much room to worship God, without worshiping doctrine of minutia first….

If I could, I would go back to undergrad in a heart beat… My friends are scattered around the world, and I dare say the momentary glimpses of conversatin are not enough to cause satiey in my desire to grow with them. How does one deal with losing almost everyone he cares about all at once in life?

Anyone, I should let my mind rest and go back to engaging my heart.

Psalm 6 2-3